Since Hanyu vowed to her that he wouldn’t leave without telling her, Tianqing’s innocent and carefree smile came back. She just smiled happily every day, as if nothing in the world could go wrong.
She only acted that way because she thought he gege would just leave her without saying a word. She panicked— just like how a child cries when her beloved toy gets lost. She could only express her heartache through her emotions.
As a child, when this happens, he could just run to his brother to complain. But this time, the it’s not just a toy. The one that she’ll be losing is her brother so she didn’t know how to react. She didn’t know who to talk to. She was so angry that her brother didn’t tell her anything and refused to do so despite her acting up.
But now that they’ve cleared up everything, she is finally relieved and is no longer uncomfortable.
Sometimes, she thinks that her brother is so stupid for not realizing how proud and grateful she is to have him.
Sometimes, people would tell her in envy “Tianqing, you’re so lucky to have such a doting brother. He always teaches you how to do your homework. Unlike my brother who was so stupid he only knows how to pull my hair and steal my share of food. Your brother is so good to you.”
With these words, she always felt proud that her brother is incomparable to others. She loves him very very much so she tells herself that she should study very hard so she could come to with him to Taipei.
Finally, after working hard, she survived her major exams. But her scores still weren’t too satisfactory like her brother’s Hanyu comforted her and said, “I knew that you did your best.”
Summer vacation came and the school arranged Scout’s Summer Camp[1] for the graduating students to relax and have a happy memory for their last summer vacation in high school. But the last day coincides with a very special day in her life.
As usual, she consulted this to her brother who encouraged her to go.
“But it’s five days and four nights. I will be away from home for so long.” she complained. For Tianqing, five days is already long time to be away from her brother.
“Look at you. Aren’t you always telling other people that you’re not a kid anymore. Just five days and you can’t live on your own?” Gege laughed at her.
“It’s not like that—“
“Then what? Shen Xiao Qing, prove that you are independent now.
She then swallowed her words and changed the topic, “Gege, do you know what the seventh of July is?”
“Of course everyone knows it’s Valentine’s Day[2].”
“What else?” She blinked like a cute puppy and waited for his answer.
“Well…” He tilted his head and continued, “It’s the day that the cowherd and the weaver girl will meet[3].”
“What else?”
Hanyu furrowed his eyebrows, he couldn’t think of any other event that day.
“I think, it’s a rainy day. In my experience, it always rains that day.”
“Is that really all?!” She is almost shouting now. “You really forgot?!”
He laughed out loud and and rubbed her hair.
“Do you think I will forget that it’s my little princess’ birthday that day? You don’t need to remind me, okay? I know it in my heart because I’m your brother.”
“Really?” She smiled again as she stretched her hands out. “Then what will be your gift for my fifteenth birthday?”
“It’s too early to ask me for a gift.” Hanyu laughed.
“Just tell me what you’ll give me.”
“We wrap gifts so that the receiver will be surprised. What’s the point if I tell you now.” Hanyu teased. “How about this? Just go to your Scout’s Summer Camp and when you get back, I’ll give you my precious gift?”
“Will you wait for me at home?”
“Of course. The moment you come back, the first person that you’ll see waiting for you is me.”
“Then you’ll give my gift by then.”
“Yes. Meimei got me by my neck so of course I would give you what you’re blackmailing me for.” He replied half-jokingly. “But remember that your gege is so poor so you should not expect an expensive gift, okay?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She said. As long as it’s from his brother, she will like it anyway.
When the day of the summer camp came, the sunset was so beautiful while she’s on the way home. But all she can think of is what happened before she left the house.
“It’s so annoying. It really always rains during my birthday. I hope there’ll come a birthday of mine where the sky is clear.”
“Yes, the heavens really don’t follow people’s wishes, it’s so annoying, right?” He said with a smile.
When she was a child, adults told them that it rains on the Qixi Festival because it is the only time that Cowheard and the Weaver Girl meets— that the rain every seventh of July are their tears of joy.
It’s seems as if that this little girl really knows how to pick a day that she came out in this world on this very day.
In one of her rainy birthdays, Hanyu told Qing that if the rain stopped, he would take her to fly a kite and catch small fishes. However, it’s a pity that that the heaven[4] hasn’t allowed this promise to be fulfilled yet— as it always really rains.
“Hmp. Just you wait. It’ll really not rain this time. Let’s see what you’ll do then.”
“Really?” He said with a smile.
“Well. Since you haven’t fulfilled your promise yet and I still have to receive your gift, can I claim a little advance payment [5] first?”
“Okay. What do you want?”
She turned around looked at him seriously, “Gege, don’t you believe that I’ve really grown up?”
With this sudden question, Hanyu was confused and looked at her suspiciously. “What—”
And then she did something really bold, he could believe what happened. She stopped forward and warmed his lips with hers.
At that moment, she knew that will always remember her gege’s shocked expression.
“Qing! Shen Tianqing!” A slap on her shoulder pulled her from her reverie. For a moment, she didn’t know where she was.
She was actually in the Scout’s Summer Camp for five days and four nights and she’s now on the way home. The past few days had been a lifetime long that her haeart had already flown home ahead of her— looking forward to see the handsome boy who promised to wait for her when she comes back.
But until now, she still could’t believe what she did. She really kissed him.
It still feels unreal. Did she really do it? Or is it just a daydream?
Frankly speaking, she only did it on impulse. She has been keeping it in her heart for the longest time— she has imagine countless times if the romantic kiss that happens in the novels can also happen between them.
Ever since she grew consciousness. he has been in her heart— only him. But she understands the risks involved and has not demanded anything and remained quiet. She’s just happy whenever he shared her every joy, anger, sorrow and watch her transform and grow.
She is so used to having him there in every important points in her life. As time goes by, the seed that she has buried in her heart finally grew into a big tree with intertwined toots. She can no longer pull them out. For her, it will always be him and she will never look at any other person the same way.
Except for him, she has never thought of sharing this intimate moment with anyone else. He— should be thinking the same as her, right?
This is because of what he said when she started giving the love letters to him after their argument. He told her, “Tear it, burn it, or throw it away. It’s up to you what you’ll do to it. You don’t need to give me these things anymore.”
“But you haven’t opened this letters… Don’t you care about them now?”
“I authorize you to deal with it now. I’m reasoning with you not because I care about these letters.”
“Oh.” She seemed to understand something.
She realized that the admiration of those girls are really meaningless to him. So— what does he care about?
That night, she ran to sleep with him again and lie in his arms. Before she fell asleep, he asked her gently, “Do you know what we have become? Are you… ready to be like this?”
At the time, she was already in the edge of sleep and her chaotic brain could not think of it too much. But in this five days and four nights, these thoughts came back and she finally understood what he said.
He meant to ask her: Are you ready to love me?
She thought her brother is talking stupid again. Love doesn’t need any preparation. If you want to love, just love!
She had already planned the first thing she’ll do when she comes home— to jump on his arms and tell him aloud, “I’me ready!”
Just thinking about this felt like taking an arrow. She just wants to rush to him already.
And she really thought that she’ll see him by the door — patiently waiting for her the moment she arrives— just like what he promised. But he isn’t there. She searched the room living room, and then the kitchen, and every corner of the house, but there was no sign of him.
Finally, her father told her that he left and went to Taipei to start a new life— a life with hope and future.
What does this even mean? A new life? What about his life here? So does this mean that the life here has no hope and future? She couldn’t understand anything.
She knows that her brother is born with a bright future and this small town is not enough for him— but she can go with him wherever he goes. He knows about this! And he even agreed that he would take her wherever he’ll go.
Her brother wouldn’t lie to her, would he? He would not break his promise! But why did he disappear without saying a word? Not even goodbye?
At first, she still couldn’t accept he really left her ruthlessly. Despite the pain in her heart, she waited for him patiently. He will come back to pick her up and they would be together for life. She believed in him!
But one day passed. Two days. One month. Two months.
Until they finally received a letter from him which said.
—Everything is fine.
Everything is fine? Then why didn’t he ask about her? He didn’t want to know if she’s sad? If she’s crying? If she’s still kicking the quilt in the middle of the night? If she wakes up and tries to find him?
He doesn’t want to know— that she can’t live without him.
She always tells him that even if the world collapses before her eyes, as long as she has him, she can face anything. So now that he’s gone, not just the world, but the dream she has built for her is now
As the days passed, she slowly accepted that he could not really come back. That the birthday gift she had been looking for was ruthlessly betrayed.
Her fifteenth year in this world really became the most painful.
After he left home, their father seemed age for several years overnight. His health became worse and he soon fell ill. Their mother was not able to withstand this sudden blow. Her mood became very unstable that she took it out to Qing. With just a little issue, she beats and scolds her— as if the gentle and kind mother from the past is not there anymore.
With her most beloved gege gone, her father ill, and mother going crazy— her world changed color overnight. But she still doesn’t understand why this is happening.
For several times, her mother lost control of her emotions, she repeatedly shouted, “It’s all your fault, it’s all your fault! Why did you even come to this house and ruin my home?”
Really? His brother left and his father became ill and suddenly it’s all her fault? Then, can she know what exactly did she do wrong?
The auntie[6] next door told her not to think too much. That it’s not her mother’s words but the insanity. But deep in Qing, she believed it. She really believed those words. Several nights, she hid in her brother’s room counting the scars caused by her mother whenever she hurt her. She only cried and reflected over and over again, what really went wrong.
Is it because her grades weren’t good enough? Or is it because she childishly asked her brother for a birthday gift, it bothered him?
But she knows this is not true— but she has to make some reasons so she can make herself feel better. If everything is her fault, then she would never celebrate her birthday again.
Sometimes, she couldn’t help but wonder if he deliberately left when she’s away so she had not chance to be persistent.
Looking at the wounds on her body, it’s painful. But it couldn’t compare to what she’s feeling in her heart.
Being bullied in the past, she has her brother to protect her. If she’s injured, she had her brother’s pity. If she caused trouble, he would help her solve it. But now, she has no one. She doesn’t know what to do.
Just pure helplessness. Did he know that the moment he turned around, he took the sunshine and happiness in her life?
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Notes:
[1] 救国团 basically a youth corps – literally means save the nation movement. Just translated in a more colloquial term summer camp
[2] It’s Chinese Valentine’s Day
[3] Qixi Festival. A forbidden love story.
[4] 玉皇 (Tian Gong) – The Jade Emperor, the ruler of heaven.
[5] The term used is 利息 (Lixi) or interest. But I used advance payment for the flow.
[6] 大婶 (Dashen) – Aunt
Kaye's Ugly Translations 