In the imperial garden of jade tiles and red walls, the flowers have bloomed. A childish girl shyly confessed, “Jingxuan gege, I like you.”
Jingxuan indifferently retorted, “But I don’t like you!”
Years later, when they met again, the immature girl has become an elegant lady. He said to her affectionately this time, “Your husband will only be me, and I will not fail again.”
She stared at him with tears in her eyes and said, “You should have understood that I have already lost the courage to love you.”
Her affection had been so deep, yet he missed it in full bloom. Now that he’s persistent, she has already grown cold.
One step forward, two steps back. They are two people who never meet in between— they always miss each.
23rd year of Kangxi. Qing Dynasty.
Mei Li [1] knelt down on the white marbles outside Cining[2] Palace.
She kept her head down. The clouds are dark with rain impending. In the slightly humid air, the flowers in the yard fumed.
She took light breath. It smelled really good…
For more than two years in the desolate cold palace, she hadn’t smelled the fragrance of flowers, there were only weeds and unscented dandelion flowers.
In the warm spring light, she could only collect dandelion flowers and sit by the broken stone steps in front of the temple to blow them one by one. The flower’s little bracts were carried by gentle wind —flying free, unlike her.
That’s why she couldn’t help but look at those colorful flowers. Seeing such beautiful things made her feel strange as if the last time she had seen them was already in her past life. Just like the majestic Cining Palace in front of her!
When she retracted her eyes, she unintentionally saw those four beautiful women standing in front of the gates looking at her with strange expressions. She could only smile at them, and as expected, they just looked away.
In the past two years, she had already gotten used to this. But being the receiving end of such contemptuous gaze, she has also learned to appreciate the sympathy of others.
She realized that sympathy is actually a difficult thing— especially being inside the palace. Just like when she smiles at other, it will only make them uncomfortable.
She heard soft laughters as the women came out of Cining Palace. Yu’an gugu who is the Grand Empress Dowager’s lady-in-waiting even personally walked them out displaying that these women have extraordinary status.
She got a glimpse of the flowerpot bottom of their shoes[3] when they passed by. And then she heard a sweet voice asking, “Is she the one who murdered someone before?”
“Yes.” The girl’s mother replied roughly before she scolded her, “Do not speak about her.” as if she’s a contemptuous woman capable of murder.
But they were not entirely wrong. An old woman was accidentally killed after she run her over while riding a horse. But that was the time when their family’s properties all fell on her uncle’s[4] hands when her beloved father and mother died.
She didn’t do it for some immature reasons. While it is not wrong to say that she was young and ignorant back then, people saying that she should’ve acted according to her status and maintained grace is like deceiving herself. Because she really was depressed.
She suppressed her thoughts after hearing Yu’an gugu speak. Yu’an gugu told her that she can finally be an audience to the Lao Zuzong.
Inside, she didn’t dare to look up. The kind old lady is sitting on a heated brick bed is the reason why was able to survive the cold palace. Because of her favor, she was able to be finally released.
“Meil Li…” Xiaozhuang was silent for a while, choked a little when she called her.
“Nubi[5] is here.” She answered obediently in accordance with the rules.
Xiaozhuang remained silent again contemplating at the strange girl in front of her. Is this really the spoiled little girl who didn’t know how high the heaven and the depth of the earth? “Raise your head.”
“Hm.” She answered as she obliged.
“Ah!” Xiaozhuang cried as she wiped her tears with her handkerchief. She still remembered the free-spirited Mei Li who she adored. But now, the Mei Li in front of her is so different. She is so uncharacteristically well-behaved it made her heart broke. “My little Mei Li has grown up beautifully.”
Beautiful?” Mei Li pursed the corners of her mouth. She knows that those were just words to comfort her. Her beauty has long been extinguished. Not to mention how hard she has been living for two years.
She unconsciously looked at her left arm where an ugly scar two inches above the wrist is hiding beneath her sleeves. If the venerable woman sees this, would she still call her beautiful? If anyone sees it, they would say it is a disgusting sight.
“Did the fire frightened you?” Xiaozhuang felt another creeping sadness again. It was not that she ruthlessly ignored her for the past few years. But as a condition for the emperor to not demote her as a commoner, she agreed to ignore her while she was sent inside the cold palace.
The Emperor hated Mei Li’s spirit and arrogance. He wanted her to taste bitterness and correct her own behavior.
But Xiaozhuang still feels a little guilty. Because in truth, she could’ve just gone to Anning Temple[6] and send a word to not make Mei Li’s life too miserable and by her will it will be done. But she didn’t. Because she also wanted to smoothen her rough edges so that she can have a better future.
Her family already lost its power. If she remained in her arrogant and indulgent nature, how can she find a husband to love and take care of her? How can she find in-laws who will respect and adore her? Such serious illness requires a strong medicine. Although forcing a naughty little girl to grow up is hard, it might be a good thing for her future.
“I made Lao Zuzong[7] worried. Mei Li is fine.” She said calmly.
That fire… The Anning Temple is surrounded by the “Widow’s Quarters”[8] in the Forbidden City where many concubines of deceased officials and royalty live here. This this the cold palace, a place for concubines who have lost favor and influence.
One night, an old imperial concubine from another hall got up in the middle of the night to light up an incense in front of Buddha.
Because the spring wind was so dry, the curtain beside it also caught fire and also ignited other neighboring palaces.
She can still remember the headguard[9] who took the lead in putting out the fire reprimanding the internal supervisor for waking him up in the dead of the night. He must be a newcomer. Because in the Forbidden City there is no day and night. There is only loneliness and despair— only pain and helplessness. There is not even a single soul to confide with. They can only talk to Buddha.
“It can be a blessing in disguise. The emperor already issued a decree. Since the Anning Temple is burned down and will take time to rebuild, he will let you go home in advance.”
“Thanking the Emperor’s grace.” Mei Li replied cautiously.
She was too courteous and thoughtful- it made Xiaozhuang’s eyes feel heavy.
“Get up. You haven’t been home for more than two years. The Prince of Qian, Di Jingxuan will accompany you.”
Seeing Mei Li’s eyes flickered slightly, Xiaozhuang paused regretfully and sighed, “You should go back first. After resting for a few days, go back to the palace to see me.”
“Hm.” Mei Li replied.
She thought she wouldn’t feel anything when she hears his name again. But it does not seem to be the case. It’s funny— how she finally woke up from her infatuation. But why is her heart still dulled?
She took a few steps back before she turned around. But Xiao Zhuang stopped her again and said, “Mei Li. Do you blame this one and the emperor?”
She stood up straight and said without hesitation. “No.”
“Oh?” Xiaozhuang looked at her head hung low— her long and curled eyelashes drooping.
“Nubi has been alone in the cold palace for the past two years and has been only reading scriptures and worshipped Buddha— learned a lot of truths that I did not realize when I was young. Nubi is sincerely thanking you and the emperor. The suffering of Mei Li is nothing compared to the old woman who lost her life. Even if the emperor should ask Mei Li to pay with her life, Nubi will be very grateful for the gift of reincarnation.”
“I hope that you are telling the truth.” Kangxi’s cold and calm voice came from the door. The Emperor has arrived.
Mei Li hurriedly knelt down to perform a big kowtow. But Kangxi impatiently stopped her.
“Get up.” He walked to the brick seat and sat down.
Xiaozhuang complained why is presence was not announced. Kangxi only smiled at her and looked down at Mei Li again.
“If that’s what you really think, then those two years in the cold palace has not been in vain.”
“Yes.” Mei Li hung her head low.
“Go back. In the future, look out for yourself[10].”
Mei Li retreated respectfully repeating the words. Looking out for herself. She heard this advice the most in her life.
Turning out to the door, she saw a person standing in the corridor. The light shone in his back blurring his face.
She immediately lowered her head because she didn’t need to look closely to know who it was.
Her heard is suddenly full of chaos and pain.
She stood up properly and curtseyed at him. But she realized the difference in their status and according to the rules, she must properly kneel and kowtow.
“Stand up.” He said coldly. She hadn’t seen him for two years but his voice became even more noble and powerful.
She took two steps backwards, ready to turn around.
“Your carriage is outside Xihua Gate[11].”
In the past two years, he seldom thought of her. And even if he did, it is only because he was relieved that their engagement was broken.
After hearing that she was released from the palace ahead of time, all the things that happened between them in the past came to his mind.
Back then, he was so angry that he yelled at her for being so indecent, ruthless, and unjust. He even insisted on asking the emperor to punish her severely. Until now, he is still haunted by her shameless obsession and stalking so he regretted saying more words not to awaken her infatuation in him again. But she only smiled faintly at him.
His heart twitched without warning. How can she just smile like that?
Notes:
[1] Her name 美璃 (Mei Li) literally means beautiful glass— referencing to title. *sobs*
[2] 慈宁宫 (Ci Ning Gong) – Palace of Compassion and Tranquility
[3] 花盆鞋 (Hua Pen Xie) High-soled shoes which looked like horse hoofs worn by the women of the Manchu people in the Qing Dynasty. It also symbolizes their stature.
[4] 舅舅 (Jiujiu) – Uncle for the mother side.
[5] 奴婢 (Nubi) differential term of slave to oneself.
[6] 安宁殿 (Anning Dian) where Mei Li was kept. Her own cold palace.
[7] The term actually used here is 老祖宗 (Lao zuzong) which means ancestor. From what I remember, Empress Xiaozhuang(the Grand Empress Dowager) is Kangxi’s grandmother. Historically, I believe she’s already passed when Kangxi was 14 years old so maybe in here we pull off some creative license. But in essence, she acted as one of his regeants since Kangxi ascended at a young age and there were no Empress Dowager because Kangxi’s mother died a couple of years after he was born. I will refer her as Grand Empress Dowager or Lao Zuzong because saying “the ancestor” sounded off the tone.
[8] 寡妇院 (Guafu Yuan) – Literally Widow’s House
[9] 护卫首领 (Huwei Shouling) – Head of the guards
[10] 好自为之 (Haozi weizhi) To conduct oneself well. It can be a friendly advice asking people to take care of themselves. But it is also told for people to improve or as a genuine warning. In this case, she is second-guessing his majesty’s good words because she often heard this phrase negatively.
[11] 西华门 (Xihua Men) Literally West Flower gate
T/N: There is a drama adaptation for Shattered Glass (which I have yet to watch) entitled Desperate Love (倾城绝恋) starring Mickey He and Li Sheng aired in 2013. I’m not sure how the drama deviated from the source material, but I will try to list it here once I get to see it.
Kaye's Ugly Translations 