Volume 1, Chapter 13 – It’s hard to draw the heart and the bone (3)

It’s hard to draw the heart and the bone¹

 “My grandfather told me that that student had no home and only had few friends. No one would pay attention to such a girl. I knew instantly that she was a good candidate as a partner for my experiment. I secretly observed her, and after collecting enough data, I quietly gave her the antidote. But… One night when I woke up agonizing in pain, yet I see no injuries on my body, I realized I had failed.

“The same antidote, for some reason, doesn’t work when used on the other person. That student must have been injured for me to be in pain. I made the antidote again, but it still didn’t work. I had to ask for help from my teacher, who is the most prestigious professor of medicine in the country, and he wrote to the most famous pharmacists and scientists around the world, and they were all interested and immediately set up a base in Nepal to try to break the gu in me.”

“Qin Ge actually had sensed early that something was wrong with me and pressed me about it. So, I told him what happened and asked him to wait for me for five years, and if in five years’ time, those experts still could not solve the gu on me, I would return to him and never leave him again. I know he was angry that I did this decision alone. Even when I left, he did not say a word to me. Later, Siwei called to tell me that he started dating many women; I was very sad, but then when grandpa told me that that he had become a couple with that student, I understood that he had forgiven me, he guarded me in this way, and every day the data I could feel the condition of that girl from Nepal.”

“Are you f-freaking done talking?”

Hai Lan thought, except for her tight breathing, the mourning hall was actually really quiet, otherwise, how could she interrupt Lin Yu’s soft voice?

Finally, she saw in some people’s eyes a look of pity for her; it is no longer the look of contempt they had used to give her. But she would rather be wrong and be blamed again.

The voices in the ears began to mix up; all the roaring and sobbing. It’s all sadness and anger, but suddenly, everything has nothing to do with her.

She faintly looked at the doctor, whose wrinkled forehead is now filled with bitterness and guilt. It turned out that Lin Yu is the his granddaughter, that even the doctor’s kindness to her all this time was fake.

She squinted at the photo in the hall. She stared at him hard, she wanted to see him clearly— her Qin Ge.

It turns out that their three years don’t even count as compensation.

The one who quietly listened to her complicated tales in archaeology;  the one who handed her a hot cup of tea while she stayed up late searching for information; the figure from a distance waiting for her in the train station and airport every time she came back from an inspection; the one who sank his eyebrows when she said she’d save up to pay back her tuition after graduation; 

Fake, three years of dots and drabs; three years of hand-holding happiness,: they are fake— it was only her who took everything seriously. 

She never understood before why he kissed her softly and violently, he caressed every inch of her skin, but they never actually made love… it turns out this is the reason.

She calmly watched the handkerchief slide down her hand. What’s the point of holding onto something that doesn’t belong to you? At this moment, she doesn’t even know if she hated him; But if someone asked her if she loves him? She is crazy and clear.

She wanted to cry very much, like anyone in this hall, but she didn’t even have this right to, as Qin Ge didn’t belong to her.

Never was.

Never will.

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Notes:

[1] repeating the note: 画心难画骨 (hua xin nan hua gu) came from this full idiom 画龙画虎难画骨，知人知面不知心 (hua long hua hu nan hua gu, zhiren zhi mian buzhi xin) which literally means it’s easy to draw dragons and tigers but not their bones; as easy as knowing the faces of the people but not their heart ~~ Basically, one cannot judge another’s heart just by the surface