Part II
Looking into the distance,
Light and shadow. Day and Night. The rotation of the flowing light.
Male and female. Life and death. The two polars of the balance of love.
Heaven, hell. I look at you from afar— unreachable.
Lingering life and death, but never will intersect.
“Qing!” Shen Hanyu yelled from a nightmare.
He sat up, shocked with cold sweat.
Shen Hanyu gasped heavily as he stretched his hand to turn the bedside lamp on. He looked at the clock next to him— it’s only half past 2am.
He wiped his face— it was all sweaty. Suddenly, he was no longer sleepy.
Subconsciously, his right hand reached out and grazed the side of his thigh. There is a scar, deep and gaudy, left by the accident three years ago.
Thinking about the incident, he closed his eyes and felt the same pain. This time, he only felt it in his heart.
After the accident, he was in a coma for nearly a month. When he woke up, somebody else was on his side. A testament that he did not succeed in chasing her, more than that, he is now so injured he could not move and go anywhere else.
He accepted that maybe, this is fate From the moment they were born, they were destined to be like this. They had no right to protest and can only accept the heaven’s will. Look at what happened when he resisted?
He even was not able to go home and send off his father for the last time. The resistance taught him this painful lesson for him to see clearly and accept the fact that they had no right to be willful.
The moment he finally swallowed his compromise, despite the pain of his injuries, he laughed out loudly, tears flowing down his eyes. The medical staff thought he got too terrified and lost his spirit, they went and called the psychiatrists.
But he is not crazy. Only he knows that this is not insanity, but being finally sober.
After recovering, he worked harder than anyone else and devoted himself to school. He also worked part-time and made a lot of money to be sent to Pingtung. All he had is a memory of this hometown, the smell of the grass in the summer breeze. The crowing roosters in the morning. The feeling of stepping barefoot on the clear stream, and her face— laughing and making a lot of noise. He buried all of this deep in his heart, hoping that time will eventually make them fade away.
The year he became an intern, because he had to take shifts, he had no normal work schedule and had to follow the patients’ emergency situations. In the fourth month, he was transferred to pediatrics.
They say one must not underestimate the work that involves children thinking they are easier to handle. In fact, if they cry, they can’t be easier than adults. Another intern at that time cried that he could not bear the work any longer and asked him how he deals with these “terrorist” who were more terrifying than Satan.
Hanyu just pursed his lips and said, “Just be patient!”
From then, people started to tease him behind his back. They said that he could not only do well with women, but he also has a good way of dealing with children. He can do everything.
They didn’t know that everything that he has become is because he has raised his sister. His skill in coaxing a child came from experience.
On this day, an elementary school broke out in a collective nutritional lunch food poisoning. The kids squeezed the hospital into a mess. A group of little devils cried at the same time causing everyone to be stressed.
After all the work was done, when he returned to his apartment, he was so tired that he just fell on his bed.
“Hanyu? Have you eaten yet?” A pair of small hands tapped him.
He hummed, unable to open to open his eyes.
Liu Xinping sighed when she saw that he was too tired to speak. “Well, you rest. I cooked something. You can put in in the microwave later so you can eat warm. I also took out the letter from the mailbox. Remember to read it when you have time.”
He didn’t respond as if he has fallen into a deep sleep.
Liu Xinping stroked his sleeping handsome face with unspeakable love and heartache.
“Then, I’ll go back.” Her voice was so soft, it was as if she was talking to herself. She reluctantly withdrew her hand and helped him close the door as she leaves.
Just then, Shen Hanyu opened his eyes and looked at the closed door.
After the car accident three years ago, Liu Xinping took care of him in the hospital all day long. Even after being discharged from the hospital, she was humble enough and took care of him meticulously. She has always been like this, standing by him without complaints or regrets.
Even at that day when he unexpectedly kissed her yet alienated her afterwards, he didn’t even give a reasonable explanation of his actions and only said, “I’m sorry.”
He had the most inexplicable behavior, yet she never blamed him.
How deep her feelings are for him, no one knows it better than Hanyu. In fact, she had never demanded her feelings to be reciprocated, as long as she can stay beside him, she will be fine.
Qi Guangyan even wondered how he met such an amazing woman who loves him with her all. And him not cherishing her is his greatest madness.
The truth is, there is no need for people to tell him about Liu Xinping. Hanyu was never dense about her affection. She was too good, someone he doesn’t deserve. In fact, he does not want to hurt her.
When he remembered the letter Xinping told him earlier, he got out of bed and picked up the stack of letters gently arranged on the table. He looked at them one by one, organizing the utility bills, to the casual advertising letters— until he saw a familiar address written on one of the envelopes. And from then, he could no longer look away.
How long has it been? He has almost forgotten this place… Pingtung.
He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.
How ridiculous? He has viciously decided to bury this place under the recesses of his memories. He really wanted to forget, and he thought he did. But on the sight of the name of the town he could hardly even breathe? He even said to himself that everything would not matter after a long time… but who was he lying to?
With trembling hands, he opened the letter written by his mother.
Dearest Hanyu,
Mom is critically ill and I know that there is not much time left. My mind has been in chaos for many years, but now that I’m reaching the end of life, suddenly the heavens granted me clarity, at least to send you a letter. All the things that I have stubbornly withheld in the past are in this letter. They have become fragmented and vague, and if I won’t say anything now, I am afraid there will be no other chance.
Recently, I have been reminiscing of the past. What often comes to my mind is how adorable Xiao Qing was when she was a child. Her smile is as if no trouble can ever bother her.
Until now, I can still hear her voice calling me mama inarticulately. The way she playfully stretches her hand when she wants a hug. So what if she was not my real daughter. Did I not love her for so many years like my own? She calls me mother so why should blood relation matter? She is my most beloved daughter.
I have known this… But I may have gone crazy. After you left, everything changed. I cruelly blamed her for the things she could not even control. I vented on her the resentment in my heart I never knew I had. She would sometimes cry still innocently crying my name. Mom is so terrible that I did not even know what went wrong… what she did wrong.
I have fallen ill, but Xiao Qing never blamed me. She never resented me for treating her badly. She even took care of my without complaining, shouldered all the burden on her shoulder, even stubbornly accompanied me even when I beat and scold her. Suddenly, at the end of this existence, I realized she had not done anything wrong. It was me who did her dirty.
I have watched her shoulder everything during the day, and when the night comes, she will only hide in your old room, look at your photo and say, “Gege. I am very brave…. very brave. Do not worry. I will take care of mother. I will take care of the house. Just like what you said. Just like what you wanted. I will do everything well. I am okay… I can do this.”
Shouldn’t I be proud to have such daughter? But Hanyu, mother committed a lot of wrong things. And now that I realized what I have done, it is already too late to make up to her. Because I do not anymore time left.
That day, I held her regretfully and she knew that I will be gone soon. Despite what I did, she kept crying and said, “Mom, don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.” But I know she won’t be alone, because she still has you.
Hanyu, if you see this letter, I might already be gone. So, come back quickly and accompany her for mother. She needs you very much now. Mother knows that this request will be very difficult. But I would rather think that you have already let go of the past to ease Xiao Qing’s suffering. This is what I owe her. She did not know anything. She did not do anything wrong, but I blamed her.
Hanyu, promise me.
Your Mother
After reading the letter, he could not move an inch. He was frozen for a long time. He read the letter again and again, memorizing each word and punctuation, making sure he did not miss anything. He then squeezed the letter tightly before falling into the chair feebly.
Unclear and messy thoughts ran through his head making himself numb.
He just suddenly went to the train station and went directly home. His mood indescribably complicated.
After leaving Pingtung that year— after leaving Qing, he never stepped into this place anymore. From his memories, it has already changed a lot, from the paths he has countlessly walked, to every tree where he caught Qing climbing. Even the fishes in the steam is now different.
But just like this place, Hanyu realized that he also changed so much. The auntie in the neighborhood who was very fond of him when he was a child did not even recognized him when he passed by.
Walking in the path towards home, he already noticed the banner by the door which says— MOURNING[1].
He already knew about this ending but he was still shocked. Their mother already passed. He speeded up his pace and ran all the way.
Inside, the mourning hall was quiet. His strength was drained from his body, he could not even lift his foot forward. When he received mother’s letters, he knew she was dying, but did not realize that he will still be too late.
Gritting his teeth, he tried to suppress his sadness as he lit three incense sticks. He knelt down in front of the mourning hall and repented to his mother.
He was a good son. For the past six years, he failed expressing his filial piety. He ha snot even gone home to see his parents for the last time.
He repeatedly bowed, with one hand holding the incense, and the other wiping the tears on his cheeks. Later, he looked left and right but found no shadow of Qing.
But the door was left ajar, so he knew that she should be home. Shen Hanyu walked around the kitchen but he still could not find her. And then he realized something— he went straight to his room and saw a beautiful but unbearable scene when he opened the door.
The sight made his nose sore.
The sun was already setting so there is still a faint light in the room. He saw her huddled up in a dark corner, holding a photo frame in her arms, but her eyes are empty seemingly could not focus. She did not seem to realize that he was home.
He stepped inside lightly and squatted in front of her and whispered, “Qing?”
She was finally pulled out of reverie, blinked her dry eyes, and slowly saw the image of her brother condensing in front of her. “Ge?”
“Yes, it’s me. I am back.”
She took a breathe and almost defensively said, “I… I did not cry, gege. I did very good.”
Shen Hanyu could not help it any longer. What happened to his sister? His eyes moistened, he choked up and said, “It is okay now. Gege is back. You can cry now. You can cry in my arms.”
“Gege…” A sob came out of her lips before leaped at him sobbing silently. “Mother… Mother is dead.”
“I know.” Shen Hanyu inhaled a lungful and blinked his tears away.
“You don’t know… I kept calling her name but she did not say anymore. She was already dead. Father died. Mom died. And you also left me. I am alone. No one wants me… This house is the only left. But at night, it was dark and quiet. It was terribly empty… I want to talk to someone but… but—”
Shen Hanyu’s heart turned sore. He hugged her tightly. He could not say anything so he just accompanied her silently as she finally shed her tears. He knew she has been keeping this all inside for the longest time.
How much time has passed, he did not even noticed. His eyelids are already sore, and his chest is already wet. He only felt her breathing became steady so he lowered his head and found that tired of crying, she already fell asleep.
Hasn’t she slept well for a long time? The faint shadows under her eyes made him feel very distressed.
He carefully picked her up, and tucked her on the bed. He guessed that she must have been sleeping in this room, his old room, every night with all the pillowcases around. It was as if he never left this room.
Tianqing slept very deeply. He did not want to disturb her so he quietly walked out of the house.
The evening breeze blew over his face. Unlike in the city where there were crowded streets and vehicles, the air in this small town is mixed with the fragrance of the soil and grass. There were even evergreen plants in the front of the courtyard, the basil giving off a strong tangy fragrance.
He removed a few withered branches and leaves, picked up the broom in the corner and swept the fallen leaves on the ground.
Suddenly, a green fruit hit the top of his head. He looked up and saw the star fruit tree standing over him. This very tree is one in his most vivid childhood memories. Whenever it bears so much fruit, Qing would take off one of her shoes and throw the starfruit down. Later as she grew older, she would climb over to pick some. Whenever he tells her he would help in picking the fallen fruits below, she would be stubborn and say that if he helps, he would be given any.
Every time he passes under the tree, he should always be careful not to get a lump in the head from the falling starfruit. Their father once said that he would cut if off, but because he and Qing begged for it, it is still here.
In his memories, he used to sit under this tree and read a book in the shade of the summer afternoon. Qing would always come in his arms to take a nap.
He though, this should also be the reason why Qing loves to climb on the starfruit trees. Because she can always find him under it.
Sweeping the dead leaves to a corner, the auntie next door came back with a bottle of soy sauce. She looked at him and even gave a second glance before entering their house. Finally, she decided to stop and walk towards him, she asked him with uncertainty, “Are you… Ah Yu?”
He raised his eyes and nodded lightly. “Auntie…”
“Ow! You kid! I heard that you went to study in Taipei, right? I have not seen you for so many years, I almost did not recognize you!”
The auntie and his parents has been neighbors for decades. She has also watched him grow up. Like his own child, he patted him on the chest and looked at him from head to toe.
“Yes. Your chest is thicker. The shoulder wider. You’re now a man and can bear a big responsibility. Now that you’ve come back, you should take good care of your sister and never leave her behind like before. That girl is really pitiful. I could not help but feel sad whenever I see her.”
Shen Hanyu became silent.
When the auntie saw that he did not say anything, she scoffed. “You! I don’t want to meddle in your life. I know that your future is important and you must have been working har. I know you are a bright child. But, still, you can’t ignore your family. Even when your parents have become ill, you did not come back. All the burden was shouldered by Xiao Qing. She is just a girl. How can she cope with so much alone? Who does she talk to when something goes wrong? You were not like this before. You have always been a very responsible child…”
Shen Hanyu listened to the auntie’s accusations silently. He could not even argue, because it was true.
“Auntie… Xiao Qing… How was she?”
“Oh she’s so fine! After you left, your mother’s mood has become so unstable. If things did not go well, she will beat Xiao Qing to vent her anger. At first, your father will protect her. But when he died, she lost her last support. It was probably your father’s death that hit your mother too hard. She became somewhat crazy, her mind is confused all day long and would sometimes accuse Xiao Qing that she is a fox spirit or vixen or something. She would grab her hair and scold her. She would say things even the neighbors could not understand. Once she said, You took my husband first, and not you forced my son away? What on earth did I owe you vixen?
“You did not see her cruelty and how resentful Xiao Qing’s eyes were. But she did not do anything. She even thought she was to blame of your absence and your father’s death. She did not even try to hide not dodge. If it weren’t for our neighbors’s help in stopping your mother, Xiao Qing would have been dead for so long.
“Two or three years go. Didn’t she sneak to Taipei to find you? Your mother was so angry that she screamed at her and said that if she dared to leave again, she should not come back anymore. If she did, your mother would definitely break her legs. And I knew she was not kidding. Xiao Qing only cried and said that she just misses you so much. I thought that you would take care of this matter. I did not expect that you allowed her to come back alone. Ah Yu, when did you become heartless?
“It was a matter of your sister’s life. Did you know that it almost killed her? I could not even bear looking. How did you do it? Why did you not care? Really. I don’t know what to say anymore.”
It turned out, after he left, she lived like this. But when she came to him, why didn’t she say anything. If he had known…
Shen Hanyu clenched his fist as he suddenly remembered the details of their last meeting as if it only happened minutes ago. He knew that at that time, she hesitated into continuing what she was saying.
No… Actually, she tried to say something. Only, he did not give her a chance. He did not know… Or maybe he did not dare to find out. Because subconsciously, he does not want to hear the consequences of their separation.
He was so damn selfish. He just don’t want to get hurt from knowing too much. And in return, what did he do?
Xiao Qing believed that her brother would protect her so she desperately rushed to Taipei at that time. But what did he do?!
He could not imagine how much resentment he would feel if it were him.
The auntie patted him on the shoulder and said, “Think about it yourself. Xiao Qing is still your sister. She was hurt. And is still hurting so much. You should know what to do.”
Shen Hanyu did not say anything and just stood still even when the auntie was long gone. How much time has passed? He did not realize. The last ray of the setting sun fell into the horizon, and there was only silence around him, leaving only his shallow breathing.
“Ge?” A light cry mixed with anxiety resounded behind him. He turned around and a slender body pounced on him. He was not standing firmly so he fell a few steps back, he reached for the trunk to maintain balance.
He hugged her and looked at her panicked face in confusion. “What’s wrong, Qing? Weren’t you sleeping? Why did you come out?” He realized that she was not even wearing any shoes. Her snow-white ankles are stepping on the fallen leaves.
“I… I did not see you when I woke up… And I thought you… disappeared.” Her little body trembled as he held on him tightly as if he could not stop her fear.
Shen Hanyu felt his heart ache.
She thought that just like six years ago, he would leave without saying goodbye. That’s why she was so scared that she did even put some footwear on.
Back then, did she also do the same?
He held her and promised dumbly, “Don’t be afraid, Qing. When I leave, I will let you know.”
“You… said the same last time.” She buried her face in his chest. Her voice sullen.
She’s right. He even promised her that the first person she would see as soon as she comes back from the trip would be him. But he kept her looking for him for six years.
“I won’t do the same this time. I swear!”
Shen Tianqing raised her head and looked at him with uncertainty.
Shen Hanyu can only stroke her hair pitifully. He said, “Are you hungry? Do you want to eat something?”
She thought about it for a while and replied, “What does ge want to eat?”
“I remember that down the alley there is this duck noodle shop round the corner. We used to eat there before but I don’t know if it’s still running.”
She nodded. “Yes it’s still there.”
“Then, we’re going to eat there. You go in and put some shoes on. I’ll wait for you here.”
She hesitated. Her hands dared not to let him go, as if she’s not sure if this was another excuse for him to leave again.
Shen Hanyu has seen through her thoughts so he accompanied her inside, helped her put on her shoes, and cover her with a thin coat. As they went out of the house, he just closed their door, turned around and took her hand.
After eating dinner, they walked all the way back into the house. Just outside, Qing just looked at the wall of their yard and said, “Before, if I forgot my keys, ge would climb over the wall and will open the door from the inside for me.”
Shen Hanyu squinted his eyes and said, “Why? Did you forget to bring your keys just now?”
She did not answer. So Shen Hanyu rolled up his sleeves, sucked in a breath and leapt over the wall which is not actually that high. Then he opened the iron door and let her in.
He stood in the courtyard and thought of which window might have been left opened so they can finally go inside. But just then, Qing took out her keys calmly and unlocked the door. He was unfounded… this girl!
After taking a shower, Hanyu asked Qing to go to bed. He at first guarded her as she slept and went out the hall. But not too long after he came out, she also followed him in her pajamas.
“Ge, I can’t sleep.” She is just worried that he would leave as soon as she dozes off. Actually, she has already dreamt a bunch of strange nightmares. In one of her dreams, she was very afraid and cried for her brother who was walking away. But he did not even look back.
Shen Hanyu leaned against the wall, thought for a moment, and said, “Alright, grab your quilt. I will hold you to sleep.”
“Okay.” She quickly came back with her quilt and curled up beside him. Shen Hanyu tucked her in and gently patted her arms. “Go to sleep. With gege here, don’t worry about anything now.”
Although the cold floor is not in any way more comfortable than her brother’s bed that she had been using for years, because he’s around, his warmth made her feel at ease. The surrounding has gone quiet, but she can’t still fall asleep.
“Qing, are you asleep.” Not long after, he called her.
“Not yet…”
“Then listen to me. I can’t stay here for long…” He felt her body immediately stiffened, so he patted her back calmly. “Handle mom’s funeral, and then come to Taipei with me.”
Shen Tianqing raised her head and stared at her brother in astonishment. “You— what did you say?” Did he say he wanted her to come with him? Did she hear it wrong?
“You are my only family now. Of course I have to take care of you.”
“But—” She said in a daze. She lowered her eyes and said timidly, “Are you able to carry a burden now?”
Shen Hanyu was stunned, his heart ached so much that he could not speak.
He did not expect that she has been keeping what he said in her heart after so many years and has regarded herself as a a burden.
He really wants to stab himself to death.
“Qing, you are not a burden! You are very important to me!”
“But… ge would get very tired…” Although she very much wanted to be with her brother, can her brother afford to have her?”
Why does she care whether he would be tired or not? This is what he should do!
“I live alone now. It’s not as inconvenient as before. And I have also became an intern. Although my income is not very high, it would not be difficult to stay afloat. You don’t have to worry about anything now. Just come and live with me. I will arrange the rest.”
“Really… Can this be done?” This was completely out of her expectation. She thought she would have to wait longer…
“Well… I am not exactly living a good life, but in another year, I will get my medical license, and my situation should be better…”
“It doesn’t matter…” She said. As long as she is with her brother, she is not afraid of anything.
She calmly nestled back into his arms with a renewed sense of peace of mind. Shen Hanyu pulled up the quilt and wrapped it tightly around themselves. He then rested his chin on her head, and said, “Qing, do you hate me?”
“Hate you? Why?” She pressed her face against his neck and felt so comfortable that she was already sleepy.
“I know that mother has not been very good to you. But I refused to take you at that time, at failed to protect you.”
“It’s okay. I know you did not mean it. And ge was also in a difficult position. I know that if there was a way, you would not ignore me. Since we were kids, ge has been very smart. It was me who is always wrong. So I know that ge’s decision must be right.”
It was right? Only the heavens knows!
She has always regarded him in high regard and never doubted him. But in fact, she was so wrong!
If she knew that he just stood idly and let her suffer for years because of his nasty thoughts, she would hate him to death, right?
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Notes:
[1] In the text, it says he noticed two characters. 忌中 (ji zhong) which means mourning for the dead. But I omitted the “two characters” part because obviously, I only retained the word “Mourning”
T/N: I really feel for this story. I never really liked incest-themed stories but this resonates in my soul for some reason. Angst is soooo good, no matter how much I’ve read this, I still feel a lump in my throat whenever I think about Qing’s sufferings, and Hanyu’s internal struggles when he found out what happened when he left. Even Qing’s innocent and blind faith towards her brother was simply heartbreaking. I don’t know what was the author thinking when she wrote this. It’s like she woke up and chose violence.
I have been trying to finish this a few weeks ago, but every chapter was like 4 times longer than the normal chapter of all my ongoings so I ended up finishing this after 5 tries, squeezed in between the other projects. And apart from the length, it was also very heavy that I had to pause every few phrases.
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